Thank You, New York Times

I used to work with the man who coined the phrase "Information wants to be free," and I generally find it a useful tool for analyzing developments in technology.

I've been upset by the way the New York Times chose to buck this concept by putting its famous op-ed writers behind a subscription wall, under the rubric 'TimesSelect'. For example, forcing people to have to pay for access to Bob Herbert's piece quoted below is a disservice to the national dialog.

But, having moved on to read the column by his pagemate David Brooks, I realize that, in fact, the Times might be trying to protect us. Brooks has transcended his usual vapidity, and headed straight for right field. Apparently he is tired of playing the conservative that Democrats can like. By hiding it behind a subscription wall, the Times spared many the suffering of reading this tripe.

For those who have already paid up in order to feed their Krugman jones, and who might have stumbled upon today's column, I offer this antidote. Read this, and then return for my revised version of Brooks' meltdown, humbly submitted below.

David Brooks sits alone at his kitchen table at 4 a.m., writing important notes in crayon on the outside of envelopes. It's been years since he launched his personal mission inside the Republican party to manipulate the American people into believing George Bush had their best interests at heart.

Brooks had heard of the secret G.O.P. cabal bent on global empire, but he had no idea that he would find it becoming publicly visible.

Brooks now knows that as far back as 1998, Karl Rove was pulling dirty tricks to smear his political opponents, even within his party. In that year, while Republicans mounted a frothing-at-the-mouth impeachment effort, President Clinton responded to the threat of Saddam Hussein by launching cruise missles and bombing missions to destroy Iraq's ability to produce WMDs. Trent Lott said "I cannot support this military action in the Persian Gulf at this time. Both the timing and the policy are subject to question."

These comments were the beginning of the partisan Republican efffort to manipulate intelligence on Iraq.

Brooks now knows that in after 9/11, Dick Cheney and other Republican officials used back-channel influence in the State Department and other government agencies to pressure Bush administration officials into exaggerating the threat posed by Saddam Hussein.

David Brooks sits alone at his kitchen table at 4 a.m., writing important notes in crayon on the outside of envelopes. It has been four weeks since he began to notice that people were laughing at him and three weeks since he sealed his windows with aluminum foil to ward off the Fitzgerald investigation. Odd patterns now leap into his brain. Scooter Libby was born near a book depository but was indicted while at a theater. Karl Rove reads books from book depositories but rarely has time for the theater. What is the ratio of Bush tax cuts to the number of shares of Halliburton Dick Cheney owns? It is none other than the Divine Proportion. This proves that the administration must be right! David Brooks trains himself to believe that no one manipulated intelligence on Iraq and that the Holy Grail is a woman!

David Brooks sits alone at his kitchen table at 4 a.m. Odd thoughts rush through his brain. He cannot trust the letter "d," so he must change his name to Raving Kooks.

Brooks realizes there is only one solution: "Must write a rude column ridiculing Democrats for the secret session of the Senate. Must fight the attempt to expose global conspiracy to subvert the nation! Must not expose Republican plot to manipulate intelligence!"

David Brooks sits alone at his kitchen table at 4 a.m.