N-dimensional physics

Cosmologists, mathematicians, and physicists have been overjoyed by the experimental data being provided them today, as President Bush's campaign rhetoric became so distorted that it was actually bending space-time.

A Cal Tech professor has pointed to results that seem to support a "closed universe" hypothesis, as Bush's attacks seem to go outwards along a curved space-time to return as descriptions of the President himself. Proponents of string theory are equally excited by evidence contained in the President's speech that, they claim, proves the existence of previously hypothesized dimensions, which "unfold" to provide whole new kinds of mendacity, previously only theorized.

A President must be consistent. After repeatedly calling Iraq the wrong war and a diversion, Senator Kerry this week seemed shocked to learn that Iraq was a dangerous place full of dangerous weapons. (Laughter.) The Senator used to know that, even though he seems to have forgotten it over the course of this campaign. But, after all, that's why we went into Iraq. Iraq was a dangerous place, run by a dangerous tyrant who hated America and who had a lot of weapons. We've seized or destroyed more than 400,000 tons of munitions, including explosives, at more than thousands of sites. And we're continuing to round up the weapons almost every day.

I want to remind the American people, if Senator Kerry had his way, we would still be taking our global test.

AUDIENCE: Booo!

THE PRESIDENT: Saddam Hussein would still be in power.

AUDIENCE: Booo!

THE PRESIDENT: He would control all those weapons and explosives and could have shared them with our terrorist enemies.

AUDIENCE: Booo!

THE PRESIDENT: Now the Senator is making wild charges about missing explosives, when his top foreign policy advisor admits "we don't know the facts." End quote. Think about that. The Senator is denigrating the actions of our troops and commanders in the field without knowing the facts. Unfortunately, that's part of the pattern of saying anything it takes to get elected. Like when he charged that our military failed to get Osama bin Laden at Tora Bora, even though our top military commander, General Tommy Franks, said, "The Senator's understanding of events does not square with reality," and intelligence reports place bin Laden in any of several different countries at the time.

See, our military is now investigating a number of possible scenarios, including this one -- that explosives may have been moved before our troops even arrived, even arrived at the site. The investigation is important and ongoing. And a political candidate who jumps to conclusions without knowing the facts is not the person you want as the Commander-in-Chief

Yes, that's right. A political candidate who jumps to conclusions is not the one you want, a PRESIDENT who jumps to conclusions, about imminent threats, about WMDs, about how to conduct a war, THAT is who you want!

(I'd post other passages from the speech, but my website hosting service has complained about the gravitic and quantum distortions to their server racks. Apparently, the White House servers are maintained in some kind of trans-dimensional vortex, so you can read it all there. Much of it has even greater scientific value in terms of reality-warping.)

Meanwhile, for the latest on the "wild charges" in the unfolding explosives story, check with Josh Marshall. By the time the President was tossing out this suggestion that the explosives were gone before US troops got there, AFP had already reported:

Mohammed al-Sharaa, who heads the science ministry's site monitoring department and worked with UN weapons inspectors under Saddam, said "it is impossible that these materials could have been taken from this site before the regime's fall."

He said he and other officials had been ordered a month earlier to insure that "not even a shred of paper left the sites."

"The officials that were inside this facility (Al-Qaqaa) beforehand confirm that not even a shred of paper left it before the fall and I spoke to them about it and they even issued certified statements to this effect which the US-led coalition was aware of."

He said officials at Al-Qaqaa, including its general director, whom he refused to name, made contact with US troops before the fall in an effort to get them to provide security for the site.

Oops.

Never mind. See, had Kerry been President, Saddam would still "control all those weapons and explosives and could have shared them with our terrorist enemies." Aren't we better off, now that we've eliminated the middle man, and shared the explosives ourselves?

Not ready to vote for Bush? Perhaps this article from 2002 in the Washington Post will allow you to see Kerry's desperate pattern in his "say anything to be elected" charge about Tora Bora,

Wednesday, April 17, 2002; Page A01

The Bush administration has concluded that Osama bin Laden was present during the battle for Tora Bora late last year and that failure to commit U.S. ground troops to hunt him was its gravest error in the war against al Qaeda, according to civilian and military officials with first-hand knowledge.

Intelligence officials have assembled what they believe to be decisive evidence, from contemporary and subsequent interrogations and intercepted communications, that bin Laden began the battle of Tora Bora inside the cave complex along Afghanistan's mountainous eastern border. Though there remains a remote chance that he died there, the intelligence community is persuaded that bin Laden slipped away in the first 10 days of December.

After-action reviews, conducted privately inside and outside the military chain of command, describe the episode as a significant defeat for the United States. A common view among those interviewed outside the U.S. Central Command is that Army Gen. Tommy R. Franks, the war's operational commander, misjudged the interests of putative Afghan allies and let pass the best chance to capture or kill al Qaeda's leader. Without professing second thoughts about Tora Bora, Franks has changed his approach fundamentally in subsequent battles, using Americans on the ground as first-line combat units.

(Not that this implies that Tommy Franks might be the one whose understanding doesn't "square with reality". Some theorists suggest that his vision has been distorted by looking through a Bose-Einstein condensate surrounding Mr. Bush.)

Hey, what's that dark spot over there? Why is everything sliding off my desk? What's going on? Hey, it's getting bigg