MST3K SOTU

There used to be a TV show called Mystery Science Theater 3000 (MST3K) which featured characters sitting in front of old bad movies, and making wisecracks. I couldn't bear to actually watch the State of the Union, but I just looked over the transcript, created my own version, MST3K style.

In a system of two parties, two chambers and two elected branches, there will always be differences and debate. But even tough debates can be conducted in a civil tone. And our differences cannot be allowed to harden into anger.

To confront the great issues before us, we must act in a spirit of good will and respect for one another. And I will do my part.

BUSH: And I will do my part.

"So all you traitorous, irresponsible critics who question my decisions, with your pre 9/11 mindsets and your unwillingness to defend our country, pipe down! And you uppity Democrats, like you, lily-livered John Murtha, and you, John "didn't deserve your Purple Hearts" Kerry, start showing me some respect and good will. Or else."

BUSH: Along the way, we have benefited from responsible criticism and counsel offered by members of Congress of both parties.

In fact, I've just adopted a approach for Iran that I stole from John Kerry, and just wait until you hear my Jimmy Carter stuff.

In the coming year, I will continue to reach out and seek your good advice. Yet there is a difference between responsible criticism that aims for success and defeatism that refuses to acknowledge anything but failure. Hindsight alone is not wisdom. And second-guessing is not a strategy.

"Not that I'm about to listen to anyone with any foresight either. So, don't tell me in advance, and, after I screw up, don't tell me you told me so. Got it? Good."

BUSH: Yet many Americans, especially parents, still have deep concerns about the direction of our culture and the health of our most basic institutions.

They are concerned about unethical conduct by public officials and discouraged by activist courts that try to redefine marriage. They worry about children in our society who need direction and love, and about fellow citizens still displaced by natural disaster, and about suffering caused by treatable diseases.

Is this one of those things you have to speak "Christian code words" to get? Is there some sort of moral failing in being displaced from New Orleans, or being sick? Just in what way do corrupt officials, Katrina victims, and sick people belong in the same passage? Unless the point is that the "basic institution" people are worrying about is the federal government he is in charge of? Never mind.

BUSH: Keeping America competitive requires affordable energy. And here we have a serious problem: America is addicted to oil, which is often imported from unstable parts of the world.

You noticed? About time. How'd that whole "spreading democracy" plan work over there, by the way?

The best way to break this addiction is through technology. Since 2001, we have spent nearly $10 billion to develop cleaner, cheaper and more reliable alternative energy sources. And we are on the threshold of incredible advances.

Gee, $10 Billion. That would be just about the same amount that we heard last year "fell between the cracks" and went unaccounted for in Iraq, isn't it? Over 5 years? Golly. It must be an important program.

So tonight I announce the Advanced Energy Initiative -- a 22 percent increase in clean-energy research at the Department of Energy to push for breakthroughs in two vital areas. To change how we power our homes and offices, we will invest more in zero-emission coal-fired plants; revolutionary solar and wind technologies; and clean, safe nuclear energy.

So, like, it's a serious problem, and we're addicted, and it's really important we get away from oil, but you're only increasing this program by 22 percent? So it's still essentially a rounding error compared to the cost of that war in that unstable region? Hmm. And I notice you suggesting that money might go to clean, safe nuclear energy. Any chance some might go to unicorn-powered treadmills, while we're talking about fantastical items? By the way, how are you doing on securing existing plants from terrorist attack?

BUSH: Breakthroughs on this and other new technologies will help us reach another great goal: to replace more than 75 percent of our oil imports from the Middle East by 2025.

On Mars. With yellowcake Saddam bought from Niger.

BUSH: Tonight I announce the American Competitiveness Initiative to encourage innovation throughout our economy and to give our nation's children a firm grounding in math and science.

Particularly intelligent design.

First, I propose to double the federal commitment to the most critical basic research programs in the physical sciences over the next 10 years. This funding will support the work of America's most creative minds as they explore promising areas such as nanotechnology, supercomputing and alternative energy sources.

As long as they don't talk about global warming.

Each of us has made a pledge to be worthy of public responsibility, and that is a pledge we must never forget, never dismiss and never betray.

Particularly for the ones like Jack Abramoff who give us money. Katrina victims, well...

As we renew the promise of our institutions, let us also show the character of America in our compassion and care for one another.

I sure hope you out there are caring for 'em, 'cuz I'm not.

BUSH: So far, the federal government has committed $85 billion to the people of the Gulf Coast and New Orleans. We are removing debris and repairing highways and rebuilding stronger levees. We're providing business loans and housing assistance.

We are doing what any decent government would be doing in the situation, but we're being overcharged through no-bid contracts, and fumbling with bureaucratic nonsense.

I urge the Congress to act responsibly and make the tax cuts permanent.

Talk about self-cancelling sentences.

Every year of my presidency, we've reduced the growth of nonsecurity discretionary spending. And last year you passed bills that cut this spending.

This year my budget will cut it again and reduce or eliminate more than 140 programs that are performing poorly or not fulfilling essential priorities.

"Because, after all, in a police state all nonsecurity spending can be cut, am I right?"

So tonight I ask you to join me in creating a commission to examine the full impact of baby boom retirements on Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid.

This commission should include members of Congress of both parties and offer bipartisan solutions. We need to put aside partisan politics and work together and get this problem solved.

"Because, maybe, if we have yet another study, the facts will somehow turn out to match my flawed ideological calculations? Naw, I just have a neurotic need to deny failure."

OK, I can't go on. I'm so glad I wasn't actually watching this thing. Blech.